Just as an observation, I’ve noticed that I don’t feel a huge imperative to post about my day or my life anymore. I haven’t been writing as much recently either.
My life has been very eh of late. No highs, no lows, just flatlining it, really. I almost understand why upper middle-class kids turn to drugs just to escape.
I have no nonmaterial goals, higher callings that I feel are within achievable grasp.
I keep distancing myself from my emotions because I’m super fucking tired of the lows hurting so much, but I guess that means I distanced myself from the highs as well.
I just want someone to hold.
I remember feeling that my one compass, my whole direction in life was to come home to my friends. It was being a coiled spring for three years, waiting to be back where I deserved to be. It was a negative force, but I guess the point is that it was at least a force. Something to strive and wait and want for.
I don’t remember the last time I cried, which is the distance thing again. I almost miss crying, you know? It’s messy and it hurts (physically, I mean; a really hard crying session leaves my facial muscles burned up) but it feels good, too. There must be a lot of endorphins released during crying.
My other driving force has been romantic attraction, but the well’s dry on that source right now.
It’s literally the tackiest thing I can think of, but Gaga is sometimes the only thing I’ve been able to consistently be excited for in the last six months.
See. I told you it was tacky.
I hate that I’ve become a sponge for facts that I’m pretty sure are useless. My growing and already relatively intimate knowledge of the music industry won’t get me shit in the real world.
I keep coming back, in my head, to this post I saw on Tumblr that was a quote attributed to Albert Einstein. It was something about judging a fish on it’s ability to climb a tree and how that was a futile exercise because obviously a fish is good at many many things, but climbing a tree isn’t one of them, and that the fish will think itself stupid and useless because you’ve told it that it can’t climb trees very well. It just makes me wonder if I’m the metaphorical fish. My parents have always encouraged me to do what I want to do, just as long as I took the traditional standard education route to get there. I wonder if I had more potential if I could have grown at my own pace, or if I had moved up a grade, or something. Because I’m sitting here as a high school senior, feeling simultaneously like an idiot and far more intelligent than even I can comprehend, because I only see my inability to climb trees and not my ability to harvest dissolved oxygen through my gills. Anyway, I have no idea if Albert Einstein actually even said that.
I can honestly say that three years ago, I never saw myself where I am right now. I would have downright laughed in their face if someone had told me I wouldn’t be friends with Carly, but here I sit, not having had a full face-to-face conversation with her in more than half a year. Incredible, really. I would have laughed in their face.
I’m still trying to find ways to articulate how much I don’t want to settle for someone. I want lost-my-breath, best-person-I-ever-met, please-hold-my-hand-and-also-can-you-get-into-my-bed? all in one person. I want someone who I can have a really intelligent, interesting conversation with more than someone who agrees with me or likes all the same things.
The thing that’s starting to scare me the most about not getting into a good school is that what if I’m surrounded by idiots and I don’t find someone worth dating? Everyone’s telling me that college is so much better for dating, and that I’ll find the right guy, but what if I don’t even get into college? Did that scenario play out in your hypothetical future?
Kissing is weird.
I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be really bad at kissing.
That’s all I can think of for now. I want to say more, but nothing else is coming yet, so.